Shuffling

Tonight, I'd like to take a break from the pattern I set up months ago when I made those first posts. I want to get down to business a little bit and be kind of serious with you all. I hope this is okay with everyone.
The past two years have not been good. I can't say that their passing has gone wholly awry, but the data has a definite, and fairly sharp downward trend. So much good has happened, and I've gained a lot personally. However, the damage I have done, and the person I have become, and there has been quite a bit of change, are so far from what was expected, and so far down from what I even was! I'm glad to say that it upsets me to look back and see the fight, the personal strife, and the self-frustration I used to experience, and to look at more recent times and see that I've grown, in some ways, dejected, and that I have stopped trying to fight forward and achieve better than what I now am.... have.... know...
But this ends.
The ending has already begun, and with some awakenings, and the return of my incredibly loved brother, I want more, and I demand more. I have hope to achieve, but more importantly, I'm acting to achieve these things. I have my fight back, and I have taken up my old arms to defend myself.
And God has noticed. In about two days of having regained a resolve for better, I have felt the Spirit more and I have felt His mercy so powerfully in my heart. I do not pretend to be perfect, or even to have changed myself greatly, but my perspective has changed, and my fortitude made resolute. With God, and the strength and consolation of Christ, I know that I can do this. And I know that I can do it now.
However, this is not the next step, at least not truly. This is the short starts that push me into the next sprint; the setup for a run of faith. Directly ahead of me lays serving full-time mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and beyond that, trying to manage an increasingly complicated and difficult life. These days are the time of preparation before I must follow Christ out onto the water, and I will not waste them.
I do not pretend either that this situation is different from that of many others my age; many who face a more uncertain future than they had originally thought, and who have made for themselves a less impressive present than they had originally imagined. To all who stand where I am now, I would ask that you fight. I would ask that you struggle with all that is in you, and that, in every beat of your heart that sends blood rushing to failing limbs and in every blow you receive at the hands of the adversary, you will give no quarter. This is not a time for the victory bells to be rung, not now. Now is the time for endurance, and all must engage honorably or forfeit to the cold.
It is here that we await the leap, and we circle our feet about, shifting our weight at odd moments and in odd places, trying to position our run to the edge of the cliff. We plan our steps and practice breathing. We sing the strength of those who have gone before and note those who have fallen. We very confidently make our little motions and place our feet over and over again in anticipation of what will only be known as flight.
This is my life now, and I'll try to keep you posted.